Why Is Online Dating So Miserable? - Alain de Botton

Online dating is miserable because it misdirects our efforts towards finding the 'perfect' person rather than focusing on the hard work required to build a lasting relationship with an imperfect individual.

• Online dating's focus on finding the 'right' person distracts from the real work of building a relationship.

• Compatibility is an achievement of love, not a precondition; it requires significant effort and commitment.

• Acknowledging mutual flaws and embracing humility are crucial for navigating relationship challenges and fostering lasting connections.

Online dating erroneously suggests that the main challenge in love is locating the right person, encouraging an endless search for a 'shiny object' and leading to moral confusion and an unkind world. True relationship success comes from acknowledging universal human flaws and committing to significant effort to make a chosen partnership thrive, rather than constantly discarding partners due to perceived incompatibilities. Society currently reinforces this flawed approach by labeling issues as 'red flags' in others, preventing the necessary work of managing expectations and building compatibility.

The Flaw of Online Dating

• 00:00:05 Online dating misguides people into believing that the core problem with love is finding the 'right' person, shifting focus away from the more critical work of learning how to genuinely live with another human being. It promotes discarding individuals for perceived conflicts, rather than acknowledging that everyone has problems and that true effort should be placed on making a chosen partnership work. This constant search for the next 'shiny object' is a significant misdirection of effort, leading to a superficial assessment of potential partners.

The Cycle of Discarding

• 00:01:25 The constant 'swiping' culture encourages people to rapidly discard hundreds of profiles, viewing value through an excessively narrow lens and missing potentially valuable connections. This behavior creates a 'moral hangover' and an unkind social environment, as individuals sense they are acting disreputably while also fearing similar judgment. The prevalence of this pattern leads to moral confusion and perpetuates a cycle where potential partners are seen as disposable rather than as individuals with whom to build a connection.

Expectations vs. Effort

• 00:02:45 Modern society sets extremely high expectations for relationships, demanding partners fulfill roles like 'chauffeur, soulmate, sex partner,' yet people are seriously reluctant to invest the necessary work. If one desires high expectations, the commitment must match, requiring 'hours and hours, daily hours of practice' in a relationship. Compatibility is not a precondition but an 'achievement of love,' built over time through consistent effort, learning, and willingness to work through challenges rather than abandoning relationships at the first sign of difficulty.

Overcoming Red Flags

• 00:04:40 Contemporary societal discourse often frames relationship problems as 'red flags' in others, leading to an immediate dismissal of partners, such as labeling them 'narcissist' or 'emotionally unintelligent.' This 'red flag language' is problematic because everyone, including oneself, carries flaws. The path to successful relationships lies in modesty and mutual acknowledgment of imperfections, where two people can admit to being 'desperately flawed' and work together, overcoming self-righteousness and defensiveness to engage in a dialogue that embraces their shared 'muddle.'