Understanding and Fixing The Real Cause of Anxiety in Kids | Mel Robbins

Anxiety is often rooted in unresolved childhood trauma, which manifests as a feeling of alarm in the body that the mind then tries to make sense of through anxious thoughts. The solution to this, rather than focusing on changing thoughts, is to go into the body, find where the alarm is, and practice connecting with it while simultaneously connecting with positive memories from childhood.

Anxiety as a body issue

• 00:00:00 Anxiety is a physiological response to a perceived threat, often originating from unresolved childhood trauma. This 'alarm' in the body is what drives anxious thoughts, making anxiety more of a feeling-based issue than a thought-based one.

Tools to manage anxiety

• 00:03:24 Two tools to manage anxiety are (1) the 'love sandwich,' which involves placing one hand on the heart and the other on the back to help regulate the nervous system; and (2) finding a safe or neutral place in the body to focus attention, which can help the mind recognize that the alarm is not the entirety of one's being.

Healing vs. coping with anxiety

• 00:13:30 Coping with anxiety primarily involves top-down thinking strategies to manage symptoms. Healing anxiety requires connecting with the alarmed child within, validating their experiences, and rebuilding trust with the adult self.

Signs of anxiety

• 00:28:52 One sign of anxiety is a constant need for external validation and attention. This arises from a lack of self-love and security, which can stem from unresolved childhood wounding.

Avoidance and anxiety

• 01:01:56 Avoidance feeds anxiety, making it worse over time. It reinforces the negative beliefs about the feared situation, prevents counter-evidence from disproving those beliefs, and makes it harder to re-engage with the situation later.

Parenting and anxiety in children

• 01:00:00 Parents who are themselves anxious and constantly on their screens are not providing their children with the presence and connection they need to develop a sense of security and safety. This, combined with the pressures of a fast-paced, technology-driven world, is contributing to the rise in anxiety and depression among young adults.

Confidence anchor

• 01:21:46 A confidence anchor is a tool for reframing negative thoughts and anxieties by focusing on something related to the situation that makes you excited. This can be practiced by visualizing the exciting experience, bringing it to life in detail, and connecting with the positive emotions that it evokes.

The science behind confidence anchors

• 01:34:38 Confidence anchors work because the body's automatic response to fear and excitement is essentially the same, involving changes in chemicals and physiological responses. By focusing on excitement and positive thoughts, you can trick your brain into believing that the anxiety-producing situation is actually positive, reducing the release of cortisol, which interferes with cognitive function.